HOLY COW!

(Disclaimer: Most characters and events in this article are not really real. There! I said it. OK? Now don't sue me.)

Animal rights activists from all over India are thronging to villages in Bihar and Jharkhand where the villagers are suddenly engaging in a practice now known as 'cow-shackling.' This incident came to light when a popular TV channel, India TV, sensationalized the way in which the cows were being bound tightly using metal chains to pegs, poles and to each other. The animals have been staying this way since a few months under close supervision. The liberation of these cows and the taking into custody of those responsible has been hailed by the channel as 'the triumph of Indian media.'

However, on further investigation and actually asking the villagers about the reason for their practice they couldn't come up with a straight answer. A public statement by the mukhiya (village head) of one such village shocked the country when he said that the villagers were afraid that aliens would abduct their cattle. Paranormal and Extraterrestrial experts from all over the world reached Bihar to investigate the issue but were disappointed when they later found out the real story.

The villagers, according to the mukhiya and as confirmed by others, were convinced that there were aliens all over the country beaming up cows in their flying saucers. India TV, reported very recently had a "breaking-news" item where they had a frantic reporter reporting about cows being taken into alien custody. They depicted an animated flying saucer in the background throwing a beam of light on a Jersey cow, and seconds later the cow being lifted into the saucer. The story also showed grainy images of something shaped like a cow, inside a beam of light, claiming that this is proof. Cow-shackling has also been reported in parts of Orissa, Rajasthan, Punjab and Uttar Pradesh. These are all now understood to be a desperate attempt to secure their cows.

The police have not yet managed to find a scapegoat, and also India TV is filthy rich. The consequences of these incidents yet remains uncertain.



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Snippets: Atheists demand reservation

Bangalore: In a first of its kind public meeting, here in Cubbon Park, Mr. Uhnish Bhikaara, announced the inception of a new political party based on Atheistic principles. The party, named NASTIC (New Atheists International Committe) was founded and funded by an influential NRI group, and aims to alleviate the problems faced by Atheists all over the country. Party spokesperson Uhnish said, "In this age of rationale and reasoning, I feel we (atheists) are being left out of the growth process. It is high time we take an active role in steering the country in the right direction. India has all it needs to be a superpower, all it needs is a little push. And we are here to provide it," quite optimistic.

The NASTIC was a part of a think-tank in the US and was largely composed of expatriate Indians who lost most of their touch with their culture and tradition. Wanting to found a new world order on the grounds of logic and reasoning, they decided to contribute back to their motherland by being actively involved in the national politics. The Chief Spokesperson Mr. Uhnish Bhikaara, is famous for the major role he played in the movement to repeal Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) otherwise known as the anti-sodomy laws.

The NASTIC already applied for a Political Party status and demands Reservation on the basis of their atheism. They argue that, there are reservations in a few states in India based on religion and that the atheists are the most oppressed of all. They have been subject to mockery, stone-pelting and discrimination, he claimed, though the Slimmiverse Bureau has not found any evidence of it yet. This issue made National news when a leading party alleged that this is just another drama to secure reservations. NASTIC has not responded yet, and as public opinion goes, they never will.

There are already seventeen issues on the basis of which reservations are issued by the Indian Government. This issue if accepted will take the count to eighteen.

Snippets: Beggars strike in South Delhi

Delhi: Several thousands of beggars from the National Capital Region assembled at the Singh Park here to protest for their right to beg. Several bystanders were totally perplexed by the sheer numbers of the turnout and feared an 'alms-riot' which took a heavy toll on the economy last week. The government is under heavy pressure from the opposition and the Left parties to get this issue over with, since it is consuming more than half the time in the Parliament sessions. Union Minister for Public Affairs, Kuselan, was reported as saying, "This is not the way Rajnikant intended it to be.." under the condition of total anonymity. The Chief Minister of Delhi, Shiela Dixit, requested the citizens of Delhi to stay calm and ensured that this problem will be dealt with immediately after her daughter's birthday celebrations.